Fat ass squirrel

After enjoying some holiday magic with my friend and son , we decided to nourish our famished bodies. We decided a healthy gourmet restaurant was the way we wanted to go. So we opened the shiny glass doors of a McDonalds and woofed down some nourishing vittles. We managed to finagle our way through the crowded parking lot without being run down by any of the luxury vehicles that patron such a high class establishment.
Once my son was safely strapped into his booster seat we were about to leave, fortunately for me, I took one last look to my left ….and there it was!! We spied an extremely fat (ok, ok, let me politically correct, a big boned) squirrel. He was walking across the top of a trash barrel with acrobatic precision. He seemed to sense us watching him and continued show off his death defying talents.
Hunger got the best of the fatty bombalatti and he stuck his entire body into the trash can, sans his rotund bottom, his ass was the size of a 9 month old childs. Then the big boned grey critter emerged with a French fry which he gleefully enjoyed perched atop the trash can. He was given us the evil eye, he was telepathically informing us not to even dare think about taken his possession from him. Upon finishing his fry (mind you his table manners were atrocious), he again began his search for more delicacies.
To my wide eyed amazement he emerged with a entire hamburger. Untouched by the lips of a human. He did a little jig, he spun around, he raised the roof. He skillfully jumped off the barrel and began enjoying his extra pickle, hold the onion burger. Again, he gave us “the look”. I did not want his stupid French fry, but the burger was more than I could stand. It is rude to eat in front of others. I telepathically informed the fat, greedy bastard that I was coming for his burger, and he better not even dare try to stop me…I must have truly frightened him with my sheer force of telepathicenergy. The obese, selfish jerk took his burger, jumped a fence and ran up a tree. Who would have thought that, over weight bastard with high cholesterol and a bad ticker would have been able to move like that. That’s right my faithful few, all creatures great and small fear me!!

I do not want my little boy to grow! I am not a "freak" I am going to miss my baby. I will share some background.

My son was a screamer. That is an understatement!! My beloved would wale until I was ready to take a handful of sleeping pills (ok, my followers, you do know I speak in jest). Seriously, this kid would not shut up!!! I honestly believed my ears would dole out enough blood that it was a viable option to bleed to death, or that enough blood would boil into my brain, and surely, my head would explode!! The pitch this boy could reach would kill a seagull flying 3000ft above!!! I suffered this fate for two years. Mind you, this would go on for hours at a time.

Well, fast forward to future day. The most beautiful tow headed blue eyed boy (no longer a full fledged member of the water torture gang), so giving, kind and intelligent. My suicide attempt, ok ok, NOT really (wrote that for dramatic effect) has long been forgotten. The fact that he is so good and aging (almost four) makes me melancholy for the days of yore. The days when I took care of him. He feels the need to take care of me now.

He informs me daily "I love you to the stars". Another of his favorites is..."if you are stolen I will take my motorcycle and flashlflight and rescue you!". The latter is especially sweet since his plan of rescue is that on a battery powered Harley and a LED lighting McQueen flashlight!

I cannot stop the little man from growth...however...I can stop his educational computer games. Hmmm, maybe I should stunt his educational growth and keep him here with me forever!! YUP! That is exactly what I am going to do. Billy, mamma and 30 cats forever!! (Ok, my faithful few know my sense of humor!)